Use the Bridge of Positive Thoughts To Cross Over On Cloudy Days
Living,not being able to get out of bed fast enough to make it to the bathroom without falling, losing your bladder contents or your whole body trembling,walking without feeling in your feet or your legs and feet feeling like someone just set them a fire are only a few of many symptoms that I (we) deal with on a daily basis but I still manage to wake up with an attitude of gratitude because this day was not promised. After my dilemma I get onto my scooter and roll into my sons bedroom. I say thanks to God for the sweet opportunity to love such a special kid. I then return to my quarters as begin my morning routine.
1. Brush my teeth
2. Sit down and rest a bit
3. Wash my face
4. Sit down and rest a bit
5.Comb my thick all natural sista girl hair
6. Rest for a minute oh hell I m tired here comes the wig!
6.Sitting and fighting to put on every piece of clothing and taking a break between each piece. The worse of the clothing items would be my shoes. I can't feel my legs they are sometimes too weak to even hold the shoe down to push em on.
The day is always full of adventure as I learn how to do what seems easy to most so that I might be as independent as possible. I shed a tear from time to time wondering why this has to be a part of who I am but..... why not me? I am human and we are all going to deal with one issue or another eventually. So with that said I kick into my BELIEVE Zone. I believe that God will make life soo sweet for me if believe enough in myself to share whats good about me with others who need to understand just how blessed we all are! I believe that living with purpose on purpose releases good karma and we cant help but smile as we cater to the day. I Believe that we are more than able to overcome each and every challange if we believe..envision and use each minute of the day to bless others regardless of our circumstance. Kirk Franklin describes me so accurately when he sings the song "Smile". I dare not smile ...life feels so much better when I do.
Today I made a visit to the store . I love shopping at the large stores that have household products, clothing and food items. I can get most of my shopping done in one visit. As usual I bring my wheelchair and scooter but I am too tired and weak to get either of em out of the trunk of the car. When ever possible I bring my son so that he can go into the store to retrieve the store cart and save myself from the long walk with my cain across the parking lot to the store only to find out there is not a cart available. Fortunately he rolls out with a cart. I go into the store only to recieve eyes rolling at me from elderly folk who can walk 20x's faster than me. There was even a store employee who asked me why was I using the cart when "OLD PEOPLE " should be using it. I pull out my handicap ID without saying a word and ROLL OUT! This usually makes me really angry because it happens often. Why do I have to look old or sickly to be disabled? Let me explain further..More often than not someone will walk up to me and say..What hapened to your leg? You hurt it playing basketball? I try to ignore this because my six foot thick frame would be an indicator for most that I am possibly a wanna be baller. I go ahead answer no and say I am diagnosed with MS..What really drives me is when someone never misses the mark and says "Oh but you look so good!" or "Oh you are So pretty though". Damm Damm Damm! Sick folk can be SEXY..BEAUTIFUL... FIERCE . And we dont need confimation of how nice we look.. Just say I hope you feel better and have a great day. Anything except "Oh but you.... Damm.....MSer's can you feel me?!!!
I have been blessed to be surrounded by the most loving family and friends. My parents are elderly and still run my errands for me when I cant. My sisters act as T-moms to my son on a daily basis and my friends not only share living with me from time to time but kick in to help whenever ,where ever ,not only for me but my immediate family as well. I had a doctors appt. My friend took the trash out for me that morning . He forgot however to put my car back under the car port so that I could easily slip into the car and get to my dr's appt. I rode the scooter to the door..no car..no walker..no cane...no body home to help me to walk in the rain to the car. BUT!!! I SAW A BROOM!!! So....I got up walked to to the broom slowly grabbed my broom and walked to the car. Once in the car I sat, caught my breath, thanked God for my life, my friend, and my broom stick. I also laughed. Life is precious and so entertainingly funny if you see the bright side without being angry about the not so perfect in your life. IM grateful.
When you are facing any sickness,evil, negativity that is a direct indisputable need for God. Folk can talk you out of your innate wisdom with theory and philosophy but they cannot talk you out of or speak for your experience. It is yours and God has granted you the experience with purpose. We are all here on purpose and you got to believe and function within your desire to make good on his good work. This is how I live. This is what I believe. I know who and whose I am and although pain and adversity is great in my life, my light shines even greater and it will not dim on my watch. On this day I really got updet because I had to go to my sons first offical day of high school from the seat of my wheel chair. I wanted to walk him into this big ole strange place, give him his big boy loves momma kiss in the car before the kids saw him and watch him walk in from the seat of the drivers side of my car. Instead it was from my front door in my wheell chair watching someone else drive off with my son to take him to his first day of big boy school. I was pissed..But as I sat and got angry at everything I came to a certain peace once realizing that I am grateful for where I am while seeking for the next high in life with my baby boy. I surrendered to God to allow myself to be used by God. I gave myself away and got ready to see him and hear about his first day of high school. I am soo amazed at how great God is once I reach a peaceful place..The birds were chirping...the sun kept creeping higher and the fresh smell of cut grass became my perfume...I had been restored yet again..I got up from my chair..washed my face and began my day. ..I made love to my opportunity to BE! TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH YOU..
Today I sit and wonder why did I believe that I would ever be in a position to be unconditionally loved by a man..any man without the possibility of him seeing another woman as interesting enough to disrespect me. Ater all Im Chronically ill, walk with a cane, use a walker and wheelchair...scooter. Sure Sure Im beautiful, Iam a good woman, Iam smart, I make my own money, Im independent...but Im Chronic. This thought has haunted me ever since my diagnosis. Especially after the dissolution of a 20 yr marriage. Sure Ive been in relationships since but inspite of my bending over backwards I feel that I was used. Used as a pass time, you know someone that would fill the space until something seemingly better came along . I dont know if the emotional setbacks for me and the physical setbacks with having MS ( emotional turmoil will cause an MS patient all sorts of problems) are worth taking any man upon his offer. AND THERE ARE MANY OFFERS LOL. I second guess every one. I feel more vunerable with each hello. This last relationship was one I never thought would end. After all he met me like this. Instead Iam feeling used..abused and side tracked, I am at times..lonely and even angry . I know eventually I will stand in my healing process and chuckle at all the days I worried over a man who didnt respect a blessing like me..but right now..the heartache is greater than any MS pain Ive ever felt.